Must Love Jazz: Kitchen Confidential

When I booted up the computer tonight, I was expecting to write a very different entry, one that delineated how, although I often feel like a teenager, when put in contact with the youth of today, it is abundantly clear that I am not, and maybe never was. But when I booted up my computer tonight, I had not yet made a horrible discovery.

A week ago, I bought a bag of mini red potatoes on a whim. I don’t especially like potatoes, but now and then, I feel as though I should explore the dark side. I mean, a gal can’t live on rice alone and, really, I appreciate a good no-bones potato salad with just oil, vinegar, salt and pepper.

It occurred to me this afternoon that tonight would be a good night to eat those potatoes. Except that when I picked up the bag, I realized that something was rotting. And not just beginning to rot, but in full out decomp. The bag was sitting in a sticky pool of black goo which, conveniently, also spread underneath the adjacent bag of onions. So all of it went into the trash while I wondered if that was the origin of the vaguely fishy odor I have been noticing for the last couple of days.

The regrettable thing is that I am now the first ring of Single Person Hell, which is lovingly known as “What’s for Dinner?” I always imagine Janet from the movie Singles asking, “What can I eat?” as she stares into her pathetically empty refrigerator. My refrigerator isn’t empty, but butter, Miracle Whip, and pickles don’t make a very satisfying meal.

Let’s face it; there are a lot of pitfalls to cooking for oneself.

1) The time involved. Now, I’m not saying I’m not worth it, but unlike everyone else in the free world, I work until 6 pm. And by the time 6 pm rolls around, I am already starving. Priority #1 is putting something onto the table immediately.

2) The leftovers. I am not adverse to leftovers. Were it not for leftovers, I would not have eaten much of the time when I was a kid. But when you live alone, you are potentially eating the same thing for 4, 5, 6 meals sometimes. And I like variety. In fact, I have only a few go-to meals that I make more than twice a year.

3) Convenience foods are there for convenience, not for health. Have you ever noticed how full of sodium and additives pre-packaged foods are? I am known to “doctor up” a frozen pizza once in a while, but as a rule I do not invest in “crap in a can.” Homemade is just better all around.

4) Very few things you can buy in the store are portioned for the single person. And when they are, they’re more expensive. Bonus!

5) And what if you have a humid, poorly ventilated kitchen like mine, where nothing fresh seems to last beyond a few days before growing hair and legs? I hate to waste food, but I have a hard enough time psyching myself up to go to the grocery store once a week, much less to make daily trips so I can avoid pantry penicillin.

The thing that causes me so much embarrassment about the “What’s for Dinner?” question is that I really enjoy cooking – AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT. Book club is due to be at my house this month? No reheated appetizers for my guests! They get savory tomato and basil cupcakes and a giant bowl of Mediterranean Orzo Salad! A coworker is having a birthday? Great, I’ll bake the cake and stay up until midnight decorating it! A friend has a question about what some obscure ingredient is? No problem, ask me, I’ve probably used it! What’s in that bowl next to the kitchen sink? Why, that’s a batch of beans that I’m sprouting! And who’s got the Facebook photo album called “Food Porn” that has nearly as many photos as all of the other photo albums combined? That’s right, this chick!

So why is it that my evening meal so regularly becomes no more exciting than a tuna sandwich and no more exotic than tortilla chips and salsa? *sigh* As much as I want to tout what I wrote in #1 above, that my single self is worth cooking for, I realize that I am much more inclined to cook or bake for someone else. And honestly, I rack that up to pure, unadulterated laziness.

I can’t lie. I can’t evade it or make up excuses. Despite feeling really good when I have leftovers to bring for lunch the next day, after 10 hours of soul sucking drudgery at the office, I do not want to put in any extra effort. I do not want to have to think one more second about anything. I’d rather escape into the pages of a good book or explore my eccentricities via blogging. And I definitely do not want to engender anything that needs cleaning up. That isn’t just about dishes, but about spills on the cooktop or having to pull everything off the bottom shelf to get to the elusive wasabi powder that’s crammed in the back. I like it when my countertops are uncluttered and my sink is empty, and occasionally I even like the way salsa con queso tastes at 10 pm.

So there you have it. But just so you don’t think I’m a complete loser in the kitchen, I am putting in some photos of good eats I have created in the past.