Act I, In Which Questions Are Raised And Truths Are Revealed

I once had a boyfriend who claimed he knew when I was feeling sad because I only listened to Eric Burdon and War when I was sad.

Perhaps it is because “Nights in White Satin” from Black Man’s Burdon was playing on the hi-fi on my way to work this morning, or perhaps it is just the erratic fluctuation of hormones due to being off birth control for half a week, but I have been an emotional train wreck all day. And all because of Buck.

The last time I saw him, he mentioned that he was thinking of leaving his job, moving elsewhere, and going back to school. His plans sounded pretty nebulous until we chatted online this morning about going out for oysters at the Union Oyster House; “I figure I should try them while I’m still here.” And that’s when it became obvious that mentally Buck has checked out of New England.

The thought that he wouldn’t be here felt like a knot tightening up in my stomach and I had a moment of panic. It’s hard to imagine not having Buck accessible within a couple of hours.

But then I remembered that for all of the “onlys” that Buck is to me, he is also the only one who can make me feel absolutely worthless.

Like 15 years ago when he broke up with me out of the clear blue sky and I felt like I was just going through the motions of living for a year. Like two months ago when he texted me to break our plans for dinner and a movie and it made me think about how I don’t have anything or anyone else to fall back on. Like two weeks ago when he told me that he has had a girlfriend for five years that he never told me about, and this evasion made me wonder if it was because of some vibe *I’ve* been putting across. Like how with everything being on Facebook these days, the fact that our common friends grant him a more intimate relationship than they allow me feels like a slap in the face. 

Granted, some of our distance is likely because for the last two years, he’s been focusing on the secret girlfriend to the detriment of our friendship, as people in relationships are notorious for doing. It makes me wonder when (or if) we’ll go back to camaraderie we had before. I’m starting to mistrust that how fantastic I feel when things are completely in synch with Buck eclipses all this feeling bad. I don’t want a half-hearted friendship and I don’t want to be jealous that his life has taken a different direction than mine.

I know that after flaunting my wish that he’ll remain in my life into perpetuity, I must sound like a complete hypocrite, but I’m going to put my reflections into writing, anyway…

I wonder if Buck’s decision to move away isn’t really a good thing. Perhaps, even 15 years after our affair, I am still emotionally involved with him, craving his approval and acceptance. Maybe the fact that he can affect me so strongly indicates that I am co-dependent. Maybe it’s time to accept that, because he hurt me so profoundly when I was so absolutely trusting of him, on some level I will never be able to be friends with Buck. But maybe if I am in the position of breaking up with him, ending the friendship, I will be able to achieve some emotional closure.

Maybe the work of hormones gone haywire, maybe the mysterious work of Mr. Burdon, maybe just a hard reality taking shape. Yet I have to put my own happiness at the forefront. Right now, all I feel is melancholy.