Like a Carrot on a Stick...

Maybe I’m jinxed.

What’s that old saying about unlucky in love? Yeah, that would be me, without the cards. The last thing I want is to be maudlin, but I recently realized that on more than one occasion, I’ve had boyfriends throw marriage in my face during the break-up. The most devastating line was, “If I weren’t gay, I’d marry you in a second.” The most recent one was, “I’m not sure if I should marry you or let you go.” Guess which one he chose.

What is it about me that marriage is a carrot that is dangled only when a relationship is over?

In my last relationship, I thought I did the right thing. After our first year together, I went on a week-long business trip and while I was gone, I asked my partner to consider whether he felt as though we had a future together. As I explained to him, I was in my late 20s and I was beginning to feel as though I would eventually want to have a family, so if he wasn’t going to be the one, well, time was a-wasting and I needed to start looking around. I came back from my trip and he indicated that he was on board. The second year, I went on another business trip and asked him to consider the same question. Two months later he asked me to move in with him. Five and a half years after that, I was the bass in a catch-and-release tournament.

I’ve said before that I’m glad I haven’t compromised my standards and I still maintain that. So what is it about being married that holds such an allure? I suppose it’s the feeling of being singled out as special, that someone prizes me above everyone else. Not only being treasured, but that I have been specifically selected me from a pool of millions, indicating that what I have to offer is more unique, more desirable, and more precious than what anyone else has.

So imagine the kind of self doubt that creeps in as the years pass and I am no closer to connubial bliss…

I’m sure some of you scoff and say there’s no such thing as a happy marriage. I say any situation is what you make of it. Relationships are work, just work of a different kind, and in my favor, that INTP in me is famous for throwing herself into her work.

Yes, I realize that I wrote something very similar to this a mere two weeks ago, and you may be asking, “is this horse dead, yet?” But it’s not the only idea that has had a revival. To demonstrate how certain thoughts keep coming around, here is a little piece of wisdom from Marilyn vos Savant that I stumbled across, “Everybody loves an accent. If you’ve been unlucky in love, consider pulling up stakes and moving to another country. Then you’ll be the one with a neat foreign accent.”

Another country? I fear flying, so maybe not. But another region? I’ll happily continue to deliberate.